Searching for a muse . . .

I feel like I've had a months-long case of writer's block. I have great aspirations of penning the next great American Novel, have lists of ideas (both on paper and in my head), and even titles for the books picked out. But when I sit down to actually put my thoughts in writing, nothing comes out. It's like I draw a giant blank, and all that comes to mind are thoughts of what I should make for dinner, or that I need to start the laundry, or the permission slip I forgot to sign for one of the kids. Not very productive "writing" time, to say the least!

My mom is coming to town tomorrow for two weeks of intense writing on the book project we started last year. Stay tuned on that one. While this project isn't necessarily destined for Oprah's Book Club, I have great hopes that through this process, I will be able to unleash the more creative side of my brain for the other projects that creep into my unconscious, begging to be set free.

Until that time comes, maybe I should look for a pair of shoes . . .

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

Kindergarten has been an interesting experience this time around . . . Grant is so different from Jack and Olivia that it's like going through it for the first time all over again!

I think we take for granted many of the basics on which so much of our life relies. English is not an easy language to learn. There are so many exceptions to the rules of the language–and there's no rhyme or reason to most of it!

Grant is nearing the end of his kindergarten year, and is finally catching on to the language. I went through a few months of extreme concern, worried that he wasn't going to meet the kindergarten standards. But almost overnight, he's realized that letter sounds come together to make words.

We've got a long way to go before he's reading classic literature, but it is thrilling to see the words of Dr. Seuss take shape in his little mind. I'll take it!

Cooking 101: Read the instructions . . . aka "The time I screwed up and embarrassed my daughter"

I take great pride in my cooking skills, as well as my presentation of said cooked foods. My internal wiring prevents me from sending something off to a party (or even our own dinner table) looking anything less than its very best. If I bring muffins, they're in a nice basket with a cloth napkin. Cookies? Arranged neatly on a platter. Buy something pre-made from the store? No way.

Over the weekend, Olivia attended a Valentine's party, thrown by a friend from church. She was asked to bring Jello Jigglers, cut into the shape of a heart. Sounds simple, right? That's what I thought too, though truth be told, I've never in my life made Jigglers. But how hard could it be?

Early Saturday morning, I grabbed the box of Jello from the pantry, quickly glanced over the instructions, and threw it together before heading out the door to Jack's basketball game. Hours later, the Jello seemed to have set up, and it was time to cut out the hearts and head to the party.

I dipped the pan in the hot water for the designated 10-15 seconds, then proceeded to press the little heart cutter into the smooth red surface. Nothing seemed to be happening. I cut a whole row, then tried to lift them out of the pan using a spatula. Each one turned to a squishy, red blob. When I saw that the plan wasn't working, I started just trying to lift them out in squares . . . Forget the heart-shape! That wasn't working either. Blob after blob melded together on the platter, until nearly half the pan was destroyed.

In the meantime, Olivia started getting more and more distraught—after all, her reputation as "the girl with the mom who can do anything and make awesome treats" was at stake. And then, I got the giggles. I still had no idea what I'd done wrong, or why when I thought I'd followed the directions to a tee, things had gone so drastically awry. But I couldn't stop laughing!

So, we did the only thing we could do at that point. I scooped all the blobs back into the pan, and did my best to smooth them out. If you've ever worked with jello, you know it doesn't "smooth" too well.

Then, thinking quickly on my feet, I pulled a can of whipping cream out of the fridge and proceeded to draw two huge hearts, accented with a couple big dots of cream.

We covered it in foil, and headed out the door. I laughed the whole way to the party, while Olivia yelled at me to stop "It's NOT FUNNY!!!"

I promised her that if the girls were really her friends, they wouldn't care what the jello looked like, they'd just be glad she was there. But deep down, I felt her shame . . . it feels good to have someone "ooh" and "aah" over what you bring to a party, and there would be no "oohing" over this one.

Sure enough, the girls all gobbled up the jello almost immediately, and told Olivia how yummy it was. They didn't care that it wasn't cut into cute little heart shapes.

When I got home, I pulled the box out of the trash and re-read the instructions, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. And then I saw it.

I was to have mixed FOUR boxes of jello into the 2 1/2 cups of boiling water. When I read it that morning, I skipped right over that part, and just saw the (4-serving size) and assumed that meant a single box. Had I thought more about it, I would have realized that basic jello calls for only 2 cups of water, and by adding 2 1/2 cups, I was certainly not going to get Jello that would allow for cutting into shapes. Honestly, this made me laugh even more!

Lesson #1 learned from this experience: READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!!! It really does help.

Lesson #2: Whipped cream can cover up almost any mistake!

Lesson #3: True friends don't care as much about appearances as we think they do.

And that is perhaps the most important lesson of all.

A House of Order

I grew up in a house without much order. There was always a lot of clutter, largely due to my mom running in far too many directions and trying to do too many things. Hmmm...sounds like someone else I know.

While I have worked hard as an adult to overcome that childhood model of living in a constant state of chaos, I still struggle with it on a regular basis. I do my best to create a (fairly) neat and clutter-free house. Most of our "living spaces", where we spend the majority of our time, are relatively neat. But step into a closet, my office, or open up a cupboard and you're likely to find things shoved in where they don't belong, just so they're out of sight.

I become close to paralyzed and almost unable to function, think clearly, or work productively, efficiently, or creatively when I am surrounded by clutter. I've been feeling a lot of underlying anxiety in the last several months. As I've been evaluating how I can reduce the anxiety, and free up some of the creative energy that is brewing in my soul, a scripture from the Doctrine & Covenants began replaying itself over and over again in my head:

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." (D&C 88:119)

I know that the stirrings I've felt are God's way of nudging me along in the direction that I need to go to accomplish the goals and dreams I have for myself and my family.

Over the holidays, I cleaned out my closet. I got rid of 3 huge bags of clothes, including some things I haven't worn in 10 years. It felt good.

Last week, when I came home from church, I found that my sweet husband had added a shelf to the top of the pantry wall (without being asked, nagged, or bribed either!). This added about 5 square feet of shelf space, which doesn't seem like much, but it made a difference. I spent the last 3 days sorting, organizing, and cleaning my pantry and food storage cabinets. I don't have any "before" pictures, but here are they are "after":

While I don't have a lot of cupboard space in the kitchen (aside from the huge pantry), I do have almost wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling cupboards in the laundry room. While many of these are used for cleaning supplies, swim towels, laundry necessities, and the like, I also use the laundry room to house the less oft-used kitchen accessories, and as an additional food storage location.

I have one cupboard for "wet" food:

And one cupboard for "dry" food:

When I finished today, I stood back and looked at my efforts, and felt a huge sense of accomplishment. It was good to know that in an emergency, I could feed my family pretty well for at least a couple of weeks. In addition to the outward sense of a job well-done, I felt some of my anxiety dissipate. I have a long way to go to work my way through the cupboards, file cabinets, desk drawers, and closet spaces that clutter up my life. But I know I'll get there.

Just as I must clean out the tangible clutter of my life, so I must also clean out the clutter and unwanted occupants of my mind and spirit. There are shelves in my mind scattered with pieces of grief, anger, hurt, loss, and sadness that are blocking some of the beauty and creativity that is trying to make itself known. I'm feeling a tremendous urgency to write . . . and not just because Steve is counting down the years until he is able to retire on my dime. I've got several book ideas stirring in my mind, but making them a reality requires me to clear out the garbage before I can get to the good stuff.

Life is an interesting thing . . . so often we lose sight of those things that matter most, simply because they're covered up by a layer of junk. Here's to "creating order", both outside, and in.

New Year...New Goals

For the last few years, we have sat down as a family on New Year's Day and set some goals/resolutions. For the last few years, they have been posted on my blog, and nowhere else, only to be forgotten about by January 7. Not this year!

We all agreed that this year, the resolutions should be posted somewhere where we would be reminded of them regularly, and be able to keep track of our progress (or get back on track, if needed!).

Here they are, posted above the "chore chart" in the laundry room.

Granted, I'm the only one that's in there every single day, but maybe if the kids decide to actually use their chore chart, they'll see them too. Steve will likely only see them if I'm lying comatose in a hospital somewhere and he has to figure out how to work the washer and dryer. But I think he has a better memory than me, so he shouldn't have too much trouble remembering what he's working on.

Without further ado, here's the Whitaker Family Resolutions for 2012:

Grant

1. Learn how to read.
2. Learn how to ride my bike with no training wheels. (He set this same goal last year, but didn't make it.)
3. Keep my room clean. (Doesn't hurt to dream, right?)
4. Be kind to my family and don't throw fits. (Parental input and suggestions are welcome when someone draws a blank.)
5. Not hurt my brother. (Brotherly input is also accepted.)
6. Improve all my swim times. (He's got his sights on a medal this year, not to be outdone by his older and much faster brother.)

Jack

1. Audition for at least one play, and if I make it in, be happy. (Olivia may have some competition in the acting department.)
2. Score at least five points in the season for my basketball team. (Last year, he scored one all season.)
3. Spend more time outside than watching TV.
4. Beat the Sharks' record for butterfly. (This could happen . . . this boy can swim.)
5. Keep my room clean. (Again, doesn't hurt to dream.)
6. Get better at golf and shoot at least a 45 for 9 holes. (This could be a reality as well . . . he's shooting consistently in the mid-50's—legitimately— for 9 holes.)

Olivia

1. Beat my personal record of 33 seconds in the 50m freestyle.
2. Finish a junior triathlon. (She's not a runner or a biker, this one may be a challenge. Maybe I'll be her coach!)
3. Do well in school.
4. Do some sort of exercise every day.
5. Complete two personal progress goals every month. (This is a program though the church youth program, aimed at helping young women grow and progress both emotionally and spiritually.)

Steve

Steve's goals are a word for word repeat of last year. He said the only one he did well in 2011 was #3. But he did lower his golf index by 3 points this year, which isn't too shabby.

1. Get under 200 lbs. by June and sustain it through the year.
2. Lower golf index to single digit handicap.
3. Continue for family to be #1 priority.

and now, my goals for the new year:

1. Read Book of Mormon 5 minutes every day as a family. (This was a challenge from our Sunday School teacher this year, one I decided to take on as a family challenge. So far, almost a week in, we haven't missed a day.)
2. Exercise 1 hour 3–5 days a week. (Last year, I said 5 days a week. That didn't happen once. Maybe 3 days is a more reasonable and realistic goal)
3. Reach a healthy weight and maintain it. (I turn 40 this year. I've heard it's near impossible to lose weight once you hit that magic number, so I'm hoping if I start that new decade of life at a healthy weight, I'll be off to a good start.)
4. Schedule 2–4 hours per week to write. (Last year, I set a goal to complete a book project. It got well underway, then life got in the way, and I've barely touched it in months. I want to complete that project, as well as work on a couple others that are festering in my mind. I figure if I start out with 2–4 hours a week, I should at least start seeing small progress.)

In addition, I'd like to get our house to the next stage in the "decorating" department. That means painting walls, adding accessories, and generally making it feel more lived-in than it does right now. This is a lofty goal, as I do not have a great sense of decorating style, so it will likely require some professional assistance. This isn't so much a "resolution", as it is a dream . . . but maybe putting it down in writing will help me to make it happen!

The Twelve Days of Christmas at our house

On the first day of Christmas, my sweetie underwent a pretty gruesome ear surgery.

On the second day of Christmas, at the school concert, I heard some bells ringing, along with a bunch of kids singing.

On the third day of Christmas, our girlie performed in two showings of Sleeping Beauty.

On the fourth day of Christmas, I did some last minute shopping . . . online, instead of mall and crowd hopping.

On the fifth day of Christmas, I dropped our cards in the mail. My procrastination likely made the postman wail.

On the sixth day of Christmas, I was finally done with a quilt that I made for Grant's teacher - She's having baby number one.

On the seventh day of Christmas I did some wrapping, and when I was done, I really felt like clapping.

On the eighth day of Christmas when I awoke, my sinuses felt like they had been broke.

On the ninth day of Christmas, we visited the temple and saw the lights, and listened to a friend sing loudly and bright.

On the tenth day of Christmas, there was no partridge or pear. Instead we attended the school Science Fair.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the kids got out of school. Whoever created the schedule this year is surely a fool.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I spent the day on my feet, making all sorts of good things to eat.

And now that Christmas is really here, I'm finally filled with the holiday joy, brought about by the birth of a special baby boy.

Merry Christmas!

All I Want for Christmas . . .

is time to finish all the projects on my list this December. Somehow, I think I'm not going to get what I want!